G’s Official Smackdown Review (May 24, 2013)

 

The camera brings us courageously onto a well established entertainment enterprise (that being a  #StateMottoReference ) that is the WWE. This is thanks to this week’s episode of @Smackdown taking place live in Omaha, Nebraska.

Equally before the law ( #StateMottoReference ) as well as millions and millions of fans, the show starts off with MizTv live and at center of the ring. Wasting no time with his own brand of forecasting the near future our ego-driven host, The Miz, begins with idolising himself reclaiming the InterContential Championship tonight. But before he got too far ahead of himself, we are introduced to his guest for the night.

With tonight’s show taking place close to the city where Spam (the canned lunch meat) was invented it was fitting that the guest turned out to be Fan-Dang-o (pronounced whichever way you want).  As soon as the latest victim to a Y2J pin fall (as seen at last Sunday’s pay-per-view) strides himself into the ring is how soon it took him to correct the latest pronounced version of his name.

Really?

Really?

Really!

In retort, The Miz took his own time to re-announce to the WWE Universe and especially to Fand-an-go how not only did Jericho get a clean win over him on Sunday but that The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla also successfully stopped short with Summer Rae (his blonde arm candy dancing partner for those of us who did not know the name yet) at last week’s show. The Miz carries on merrily with comparing Fa-nda-go’s ego and dedication to that of a #BagOfSkittles – a comparison which set fire to a chorus of cheers and chants by both the live and at home crowd.

The interruption that followed was thanks to Wade Barrett, who was Fanda-go’s fellow losing tag team partner last week. Not a man to boost anyone’s ego, Barrett airs out his displeasure for F-a-nda-ngo abandoning him last week during their tag match. But before a rebuttal could be put forward, The Miz took back the spotlight and robustly reminded Barrett how The Miz does have a recent victory over him.

And that’s all it took for the two men and Fandang-o for them to kick start the athletic side of the show…

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Match #1.            Wade Barrett (InterContential Champion) – vs – The Miz

With Fan-d-an-go and Summer Rae being at ring side, this rematch gets underway.

The Miz started off as the aggressor with waves upon waves of wicked waves of awesome aerial as well as groovy ground attacks. Alas Barrett did force a changing of the tides with his brutal charm.  Speaking of brutal, it was at this point of what was looking to be a good enough match to open or close any show at which Fandan-go’s music cursed the airwaves.

A curse which gave way to a near full for Barrett.

A curse which was followed by The Miz baseball sliding F-andango off his fancy-swanky stride.

A curse which trickled down to the point where F-a-n-d-a-n-g-o (There. I think that I finally said it correctly) shamelessly sucker-punched The Miz.

A side step which caused a disqualification, a disqualification which led to Barrett and Fan-d-an-g-o  double teaming The Miz, a double team which broke down when Barrett thrusted his Bull Hammer (referring to his bare elbow finisher) straight into Fa-nd-an-go.

Results: The Miz via disqualification (Wade Barrett retains)

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From the ring to behind the curtains we run into Daniel Bryant preparing himself for his match tonight both physically and psychologically. Kane steps in to try console his tag partner about them losing their tag team titles on Sunday. Kane’s attempts are quickly turned futile as Daniel denounces everything that was said to him and walks out now determined to prove that HE is not the weak link.

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Match #2.            Jack Swagger  – vs  – Daniel Bryant

Nonstop action is a sound part of this match as soon as the bell rings thanks mostly to both competitors wanting to prove something to others; Swagger wanting to regain the number one contendership for the Heavyweight Championship and Bryant (well, refer to the previous segment for his motivating factor if you cannot remember it already).  True highlights from this match included seeing Bryant releasing some of his frustrations onto Swagger by way of krazy kicks (yes crazy was spelled wrong purposely there) which led to two near pin falls and how both men were able to effortlessly transition from Bryant’s “No Lock” to Swagger’s “Patriot Lock”.

There was no transferring out of the second “No Lock” though for Swagger as he taps out.

But as the bell rings out his win, Byrant puts the “No Lock” back onto Swagger. The referee tries his best to loosen the lock with no luck. Kane steps in and has Daniel relinquish the hold, only to have him storm off voicing that he is NOT the weak link.

Results: Daniel Bryant winner by pin fall.

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The segment that was to follow had Damien Sandow dressed in his 21st century finest attire standing solely in the ring with nothing else to keep him company but Matt Striker and (what one could assume to be) a solid wooden table…oh, and the mother of all known knots lying on said table. Sandow thoroughly tongues thrashes the WWE universe (using the latest thesaurus he ate that morning) for enjoying previous weeks’ displays of petty physical strength. Sandow explains to us what the tethering of twine on the table is meant to represent (for a historical reference point look up the term #GordianKnot )and then challenges Matt Striker to solve the clustered cord … a challenge that Striker is quick to quip defeat at.

But wait, not all is lost. For as Sandow is about to scold the Smackdown crowd and Striker himself for being cowardly minded, in marches Sheamus to take up the slacked-Sandow-challenge. With quips of how “Rome was not built in a day” Sheamus does give his version of a good ole college try to solve the challenge only for his attempt to literally be cut short thanks to Sandow grabbing the knotted rope and severing it half … followed of course by chuckling at how Sheamus was proven to be the lesser man.

Damien then sidesteps an attempted Broe Kick by Sheamus and puts forward that he knew that once Sheamus was not able to beat Sandow mentally, that he would resort to physical violence. To that Sheamus and Striker share a “we were beaten by the smarter man” moment in the ring seconds before Sheamus uses some Irish know-how to display one of Newton’s laws, “…every action (Sheamus throwing Striker out of the ring at Sandow) has an equal and opposite reaction (Striker falling on top of Sandow causing Damien to crumble to the ground)”.

(Science and history lesson over for tonight. On with the rest of the show.)

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Match #3.            The Big Show  – vs –  Chris Jericho

The Big Show towered over Jericho and from there he hammers down hurt and reigns down rage. The King of the World showed no sign of giving up though and with heads shots and leg lariats Jericho does get The World’s Largest Athlete down to equal measure. And following two near pin falls by Y2J by way of a Lion Sault and a monsterous DDT, shortly thereafter both men find themselves on the outside of the ring. That’s where, thanks to Show’s rage getting the better of him, Jericho is able to engage the Code Breaker and then make it back into ring well before a 10 count is made.

Losing in this manner enrages The Big Show to the point where he charges for the ring with steel chair in hair.  In spite of this, Big Show never makes into the ring thanks to Mr. Canada baseball sliding the chair into Big Show’s ogre-like frame … which convinces Big Show to just limp away while he still can.

Results: Chris Jericho by pin fall

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Earlier this week, Paul Hayman introduced his `new guy’ the WWE universe in Curtis Axel. Tonight Paul decided it be a good time and place to put forward his vision for the same man. Hayman, being the self proclaimed best promoter-slash-manager-slash-agent in WWE history, gloats on behalf of his new client of how he took everything Triple H threw at him earlier in the week and was able to come out the victor; which supposedly is something the WWE Universe should get used to fast.

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Match #4.            Curtis Axel  – vs –  Sin Cara

Curtis showed great pride with every punch he packed. Curtis showed wicked wrath with every drop or hold he lashed out with. But it was also Curtis who became insanely jealous when Sin Cara’s high flying was able to put a damper on all things and bring the command into Cara’s control. In the end though, all the high flying in the world was not enough mustard to beat `the new guy’ and Sin Cara was soon recoiled into a pin by his adversary of the night.

Results: Curtis Axel by pin fall.

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Match #5.            Kofi Kingston   – vs –  Dean Ambrose (United States Champion)

To the almost scripted surprise of some, Reigns and Rollins excuse themselves from ringside before the match even got started. This left Dean Ambrose’s chaotic style of `hitting em hard and now’ to meet up with Kingston’s `attack from high and let em fly’ motif to square off with no foreseeable outside influence. And for the most parts, that is what occurred, including each man getting their own equal share of near pins and close submissions.  All that came to a sharp and spiteful end thanks to R & R resurfacing in Dean’s favour and thusly giving Kofi the win by disqualification.

Not allowing too much favour to one side for too long, Sheamus and Orton rush the ring, thus putting equal parts of justice and fairness in the same squared circle at the same time.

Results: Kofi Kingston by disqualification (Dean Ambrose retains).

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But the show was not about to end like that, not with Smackdown’s assistant to the General Manager being in the house it wasn’t. And with that Teddy Long hollas out to all the playas in the ring and makes an `on the spot main event for tonight’ … a six man tag match … “and that starts…right…NOW … and you can believe dat, playa!”  (Belief him because it is what I am about to write about…right….now…)

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Match #6.            The Shield  – vs –  Kofi Kingston & Sheamus & Randy Orton

In the beginning, the main theme was quick tags shared against The Shield’s favour; Irish lashings by Sheamus joined forces with mean streaks by Orton and flying forte by Kofi all seemed to dazzle and dishearten Rollins, Reigns, and Ambrose. But that was merely the beginning. What came next saw command of the match slowly go to The Shield thanks to them being able to isolate the Celtic Warrior. And even though the isolation seemed well utilized and Sheamus was able to bring in fresh tags to his partners, more than just fresh tag in hand was going to be needed to end this.

The end came when, after Rollins & Reigns were able to distract Sheamus and Orton outside and away from the squared circle, Dean Ambrose put his finishing moves on Kofi and pick up another `justified’ win for his side.

Results: The Shield by pin fall

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And with `The Hounds of Justice’ standing proud and loud in the ring, having vanquished another well spirited set of challengers, the cameras slowly pull us away back into the equally fair darkness that is the end of this week’s show.

[End Scene}