G’s Official Smackdown Review (5-31-2013)

 

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Rexall Center in Edmonton, Alberta Canada is brought onto the scene with the airwaves being littered by the following code words;  “S.ierra H.otel I.ndia E.cho L.ima D.elta” This gives way to Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins to march down to the ring days after a successful tag team win against the former champions, preparing each another to start tonight’s show with another justified bang.

Match #1.      Seth Rollins – vs – Kane

The bang is started with the two heavyweights quickly stepping up against each another to see who will make the other blink first. Rollins seems no match against the hell-like clotheslines, boot stomps, and suplexes which leads us all to a solid two count. Kane is found at the receiving end after the near pin as focused attacks on his knee and encompassing leg by his wiry opponent. Next few things from Kane, monstrous punches and gut checks, prove for a key time to have Reigns step up onto the ring apron.

A distracted Kane responds by choke holding Reigns in his place just long enough for Roman to rethink the possibility of entering the ring. Kane releases his hold and turns himself back to the in ring action in time to receive both loaded barrels from Rollins. It is at this point where two concurrent steps are taken; step one as the referee jaw-jacking with Reigns while Seth makes his way to the top rope and step two has Daniel Bryant shoves Seth off his post. All those gave Kane the prompt to chokeslam and gain the decisive pin of the match.

Results: Kane by pin fall

Roman is quick to argue his vantage point to the referee, but alas it is all for not – the referee stresses that if he wasn’t the one who saw it then it does not count (for some reason, a person of my professional backing see nothing wrong with that verbal verdict). But instead of putting forward any more effort in a lost cause, as what this seems to be, we are all rumbled into the very next match.

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Match #2.            Daniel Bryant  -vs- Roman Reigns

Roman takes the fight right to Bryant from the very second that the bell rings for this match up. Daniel does kick back though (more to the point Daniel nearly kicks every each inch of Reign’s front, back, sides, and a few parts in between). As if that was not spark enough for the fans favour, what we all see next can not be described any differential than seeing a possessed goat locking down his rival’s legs while showering down evil elbows onto the same rival on his way to a hard fought 2 count.

Soon after, Daniel slips out of the corner he was just sent into which allows Reigns to meet up with the top turnbuckle face first. A freshly psyched up Bryant charges in with both leg barrels and follows with a whirlwind of dizzy activity and lands with his notorious “No Lock”. Alas, a steadfast Seth Rollins is still at ringside and aides his team mate by inching the bottom rope into Reigns grasp – which entitles Bryant to relinquish the hold.

Not being the type of wrestler to stand idly by, Kane takes that underhanded act personally and retorts by smacking every sensation straight out of Seth and onto the arena floor. In turn, after being pie-faced by a slow to recover Reigns, Kane doles out similar act onto Reigns – only this one is seen by the referee who calls for the bell to ring.

Results: Roman Reigns wins by DQ.

To say that Daniel Bryant is livid at this point would be falling far short of be truthful and honest.  Kane does again try to explain what had happened from his own vantage point during the last moments of the match, but once again to no avail whatsoever. Even with both men, alongside the WWE Universe as whole, viewing the replay on the titantron, both men argue their individual points of view to the other as they march up the ramp way and out of sight.

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We now have Damien Sandow addressing `the unwashed masses of the WWE Universe’ that mental strength will always (according to him) be greater than physical strength – using the simile of how (once again according to him) mentally weak Edmonton was for giving away Wayne Gretzky for nothing (insert #TooSoon). Sandow even goes as far as to then start calling himself “The Intellectual Great One”.

Damien does digress from that point in order to introduce us to the display which has been set up in the ring with him. Sandow is able to string together a few sober lines before someone shows eagerness to accept the impending challenge. It is none other than Sheamus who is quick to answer, and even quicker to momentarily mention how much time Sandow has been in the ring looking for someone willing to play with his cups and balls.

Assured that he understands how this shell game works, Sheamus makes his first choice – but no ball. Sandow showcasing that he is not always a bad guy, allows for Sheamus to make another choice. Sheamus makes his second choice – still no ball. Damien decreeds that once again he has proven how much smar…”wait a minute there buddy-boy” comes out from Sheamus.

Now Sheamus finds nothing wrong with him choosing twice and being proven wrong twice, but he is not going to go anywhere until he is satisfied that there was a honest answer to this week’s challenge. Sandow does put forward a college level try of wanting to save Sheamus from further humility and embarrassment – but it counter selling is obviously a community credit Sandow failed to gain for Sheamus ain’t `bout to change his mind.

Finally Sheamus is the one to lift up choice number three and (guess what) – no ball. And in return, after proclaiming that “The Intellectual Great One” got caught cheating so easily, Sheamus offers a short Irish poem;

“Look here at Sandow, so proud and so quick

A perfect target for a Broe Kick.”

And with that, Sheamus always liking to put his poetry to life does execute said Broe kick directly into the not so proud and not so quick Sandow.

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Match #3.                Sin Cara –vs- Curtis Axel

(That’s correct. You are not experiencing literary déjà vu. This is a rematch-slash-repeat match up from last week.)

Before the match gets underway, actually as Curtis Axel and his manager Paul Heyman make their way to the ring, we are all subjected to the last Heyman declaration. What follows is Hayman dispelling the doubters and disbelievers of his newest client’s recent wins over Triple H and John Cena. Now Heyman passes the microphone over and allows his client to speak for himself. Curtis carries on to insert his designed details of how Triple H declined to continue fighting him (omitting the whole lingering concussion instigated by the match with Brock Lesnar the night before) and Cena intentionally getting himself counted out (excluding the fact that Ryback lured Cena away from the ring by use of a blazing ambulance followed by a half-way beat down from said ambulance). With all that said and not said, Curtis expresses that his life is perfect (insert character reference to his own father here.)

Axel’s third generation forte dominates the match from very beginning. Physical hiccups do show themselves thanks in part to Cara’s high flying nature. But those hiccups do not last long thanks to Curtis putting use of a natural cure otherwise known as a perfect plex.

Results: Curtis Axel wins by pin fall.

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Match #4.                Big E Langstrom –vs- Alberto Del Rio (insert as many Rs, Ds, and Os as you wish)

Julien starts things off by introducing Richardo Rodrigeuz … (get this)…in Spanish. Returning the favour, Richardo then introduces Del Rio … (ready?)…in English. [Understanding this is easier since we live in a country which is already accepted the concept of bilingual].

After both competitors are in they both get fair shots and boots and kicks and reverses on the other with no dominator establish for several solid, action packed minutes. That slips away when Langstrom slaps on a BIG bear hug onto the now number one contender for the WWE Heavyweight Championship. A slumbering 2 count causes Langstrom to pepper Del Rio’s mid section on the way to another 2 count. This is not to say that the match was one sided, especially since this is when Del Rio offers a counter attack which included a blockbuster sized back breaker and a German suplex (coming from a man of Spanish decent I can not help but think of making a outsourcing reference, but can decide one which one to write down right now).

The mayhem that followed called for both to make their way to the outside. And while Langstrom was the quicker of the two to get back in, it was also the ever crazy-ready AJ Lee who was quick to rake Del Rio’s eyes and blind-guide him back into the ring. From there everything was one “Big Ending” away from being done for the night.

Results: Big E Langstrom by pin fall.

But before we are whisked away from this match we can not help but to notice that AJ is making her case for some of the credit for the win to be bestowed onto her. No such prize is portrayed by Big E before the camera pulls away.

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Match #5.                Kofi Kingston –vs – Ryback

Wanting us to remember what vehicle is bound to play a pivotal role at the next WWE pay per view, a flaring, flashing, screaming ambulance makes its unescorted way to ring side and has Ryback roaring out from its rear doors.

As for the match itself, Kofi is quick to take the attack straight to Ryback, with only a short lived 2 count to show for it though. Kingston does not stop though, not until Ryback effortlessly swats away an attempted `Trouble in Paradise. It is with that flap of the hand that everyone knows that “the young man from Guana” is soon going to be a goner!

Ryback brings it all to a close with a “Shell Shock” for the pin.

Results: Ryback by pin fall.

Ryback is not just satisfied tonight though. Just as his entry into tonight’s tussle caused us to think ahead to the pending pay per view, he wants the ending to do just that as well. And that is probably why Ryback sets up and puts Kofi through not one…not two…but three tables in nearly non-stop succession.

As officials and medics tend to Kofi (or at least what is physically and or otherwise left of him) we were taken away from the ring.

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Backstage we are brought immediately into insight as shared by Chris Jericho.

`The Human Highlight Reel’ is asked what he thinks of pay per view match up against `The Best in the World’ CM Punk.

Forever known to take talks down unforeseen alleys, Jericho spares speaking directly about Punk and instead decides to speak of the company Punk has allowed himself to ally with. By using the expression, “When you lie down with dogs, you’re bound to get fleas” Y2J puts forward the soon to be widely known factoid that not only is Hayman a carrier of fleas…but Chris’ sources have told him that the man is also the host to mites, ticks, bites, tapeworms, ringworms, bloodworms, a dozen or so diseases worth triple scramble points (insert #PopCultureReference ) and it is all topped off with … mange (let’s say it together, “mange!”). Being the ever vigilant and very responsible role model he is, Chris closes this segment by promising that by the end of the pay per view, “Punk will get spayed and neutered!”

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Match #6.                Chris Jericho  -vs- Cody Rhodes

[Question: why have a televised show in `The City of Champions’ and not have said event showcase a match involving `WWE’s only undisputed Champion’? Answer: it was rhetorical people…]

Without fail and with no further questions needed to be asked (rhetorical or otherwise) both men were sure to put themselves out into a great match up. The only difference between what the live and the sitting-at-home crowd was thanks to the ones in the arena at this time. It seemed as though with each and every time that Jericho caused Rhodes to drop, the crowd would give out a huge “pop!” But with every hit that would make Chris crumble, the very same crowd became quiet and humble. The physical bout that ensued was nearly equalled by the chorus of yeahs and boos! And even though Rhodes proved himself to still be a worthy competitor who would seemingly never let go, the biggest pop so far of the night came with a submission thanks to the walls of Jericho.

Results: Chris Jericho by submission

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Match #7.                   Randy Orton  -vs- Dean Ambrose (WWE United States Champion)

This clash of wrestling crusaders, though not for Ambrose’s title, did start to show minor favour towards Ambrose early on. That was overturned, possibly thanks in part to how ever many voices were talking to Randy at the time which gave led to Ambrose being on the sore side of a somber 2 count. Both men once again made multiple exchanges of being the aggressor from then on.  Eventually a supremely submitted hangman DDT would be for not as Ambrose somehow had the wisdom to roll himself out of the ring soon thereafter.

With Ambrose now safely out of the ring, Rollins and Reigns sprung into attack against the `Lone Wolf’ that is Orton. But he did not stay lone for long thanks to both members of Team Hell No blasting their way into the ring. From there, as if the other two were not physically there, the possessed goat otherwise known as Daniel Bryant simply goes berserk on all members of The Shield…Ambrose gets thunder-stomps and drops whilst glued into the corner while Rollins and Reigns feel vengeance from above thanks to Bryant suicide diving nearly through them on the outside of the ring.

Now with no shield left standing, this gives all the room in the ring to the Orton, Kane, and Bryant as they rejoice and relish in what they see before them and us.

Is Rollins in pain? (YES!)

Is Reigns hurting? (YES!)

Does Ambrose need time to heal? (YES!)

Is that all for tonight from the hometown of the Eskimos and Oilers? (YES!)

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