G’s Official Recap of TNA Impact (November 28, 2013)

First we are live, standing in front of a eloquently decorated coffin. Before the usual cold air that accompanies in such a setting takes over, we are put to peace thanks to the voice of Mr. Anderson inviting us to join him for tonight’s final end of Aces & Eights later tonight.

The camera then takes us back to ring side of TNA Impact just in time to find Dixie Carter saunter into her ring. She thanks the crowd for their great response (another week where she internally inverted the true meaning of all the boos! and hisses! that are actually being verbally thrown at her from the entire crowd) while immediately going into how hectically busy she has been thanks to all the positive business happening thanks to her own greatness. Apparently her greatness has gotten so big and so busy that she has been force to hire herself `Chief of Staff’ – Rockstar Spud.

With that, we and she is joined in the ring by her newly appointed `Chief of Staff’ as he quickly highlights two of the highest reasons why he was given this position within Dixie Carter’s TNA royal family; he uses his British accented voice to thank her for this great opportunity to work for her on such a close proximity of her greatness. And as if that was not enough for tonight, he presses on and decides to officially put the TNA roster on notice – He will be listening to everything they say, will be watching everything they do on Dixie’s behalf and will dole out punishments accordingly (can you feel the fear? Nope, neither could I!)

Speaking of the TNA’s roster, and keeping with her own greatness, Dixie takes back the microphone and touches on her next upcoming level of inspiration. According to her `Wheel of Dixie”, next week we will witness Kurt Angle versus Magnus in a Last Man Standing match as well as Jeff Hardy opposing Bobby Roode for a Tables match. Promising some great matches for next week  is not left alone as Dixie starts to push her TNA matches for tonight – matches whose winners will be joining together after the show for a King’s worthy turkey dinner and the losers getting…nothing.

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Match 1

Ethan Carter III  -vs-  Curry Man

Once again, being naturally born into Dixie Carter’s family tree, EC3 has been allowed to hand pick his opponent yet again…and yet again he has spared as many unlisted expenses as he could in order to import this supposed wonder from the other side of the known world. And if that was not tasteless enough, Dixie Carter’s favourite nephew takes it upon himself to start attacking his opponent before the bell rings to officially start it all.

Carter’s rich kicks are fended off by Curry’s bulk source of flips and dips. Ethan’s wealthy punches are set aside thanks to his opponent’s discounted chops. But all sales become final when EC3 sells everything left within him for tonight by way of his copyright protected “1 percenter” finisher.

Winner: Ethan Carter III by pin fall

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We are brought backstage as Kurt Angle is standing face to face with the Wildman better known as Gunner, thanking him for joining his team for tonight’s main event. Just as this bout of thanks was over is when Gunner pseudo tag partner steps onto the scene and is welcome by Captain Angle boosting equal thanks for Storm joining him too.  Brushing all good nature thanks aside for the moment, Gunner once again pleads his side of things for how his actions of last week were meant with the best of intentions to Storm – a plea which is half acknowledged before Storm walks out with not a word spoken.

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Brought elsewhere in the backstage area to find acting `Turkey Bowl Commissioner’ Eric Young with his deputy commissioner, ODB, right alongside him. As such, Commissioner Young decrees that, in following with TNA Thanksgiving tradition, while making it special in his own way – tonight we will be seeing the first tag team Turkey Bowl match up. In one corner we will have the current TNA tag team champions, the Bro-Mans, and in the other corner we will have Dewey Barnes and Norv Fernum (can you guess who’s goose will be cooked even before that match become official? I think you can…).

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Match 2

Velvet Sky  -vs-  Lel’D Tapa (with Gail Kim)

Sky outright loses the test of strength portions of this match, so she reverts to using her natural speed and quickness to gain the upper hand. When that plan is faltered by way of Tapa’s size and girth, Velvet resorts to attacks from behind and shows signs of gaining so real control between the two. But whatever control was being mounted by Velvet was snagged away from her thanks to Gail Kim reaching in and literally tripping Sky out of her momentum. Alas, the referee did see the whole thing and rightfully banishes Gail from ringside, leaving Tapa to contend things on her own. And thanks to her solo-style brut force, Tapa does just that by flushing away whatever momentum Velvet still had with her via a tilt awhirl type sideways slam for finish.

Winner: Lel’D Tapa by pin fall

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 Match 3

Turkey Bowl 2013 Contest (*losers have to dress up as turkeys and dance in the ring*)

the Bro-Mans (Jessie Godderz & Robbie E.)  -vs-  Dewey Barnes & Norv Fernum

As Robbie and Jessie strut their remarkable mic skills for the arena crowd to feast upon, Dewey and Norv try to take advantage of their distracted competitors with a dual roll up towards a swift, yet soft, pin attempt. Not only do Barnes & Fernum get just a two count for their quick thinking but soon thereafter they are the ones defeated thanks to double-dosing of the `Bro-Down’

Winners: The Bro-Mans by pin fall.

Being losers who do not wish to break from tradition, shortly after Commissioner Young and Deputy Commissioner ODB enter the ring, Barnes and Fernum do the right and honourable thing by draping themselves with the turkey body suits presented to them at this time. As Jessie and Robbie look on wanting to see faces of embarrassment and shame, they are sadly disappointed to instead bare witness as Barnes and Fernum quickly start to show fun and enjoyment whilst strutting their now costume-enriched best dance moves…dance moves so enriched that Young and ODB soon join in and make it a four-way ho-down at centre ring.

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After the latest segment of air time brought to us by “Friends of AJ” finishes filtrating TNA viewership, Dixie Carter blasts out with her once again hatred for AJ Styles before publically issuing a one week from tonight deadline for AJ to return her TNA Championship belt to her before she and her lawyers make his entire life a miserable one.

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Since we have already seen and heard from most of Team Angle, it seems only fair that this time is filled by words and actions from Team Roode. As such, the camera comes across Captain Roode as he addresses his troops; Chris Sabin, Kazarian, and Christopher Daniels. While the troops put forward their individual goals of wanting to have their own separate forms of fun in the ring tonight, Roode puts all that to halt as he commands that the only thing to happen in the ring tonight is business…that and to make sure Angle loses to him again.

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Getting away from the ordinary TNA atmosphere for a few minutes, we are brought to wayward funeral hall sincerely decorated as a proper send off for all Aces & Eights business, a finale of seemingly biblical proportions. As the camera takes an overhead view of the few living bodies in attendance at this time we are met by a preacher who, after saying a few sombre opening remarks, opens the floor to whoever may have a few words to say at this time…and seemingly not done with using biblical references, that is when Mr. Anderson props open the coffin from within and sets himself free from it — symbolising how he and the rest of TNA are free from the death that was Aces & Eights 18 month reign.

Angle steps to the podium and reminds us of how he had a few friends who had escaped from the clutches of Aces & Eights earlier on during the gang’s tenure, an escape that Kurt hopes is put in lighter and brighter spot now that the reign is no more.

Samoa Joe remembers how, in their infancy, Aces & Eights hid behind masks and shields in order to get their underhanded deeds done in their own despicable and dishonourable ways. Masks, deeds, and ways which are now never to be seen again.

Mike Tenay shares his joy with those with him and with those watching from home in how he will no longer need to share the commentators’ desk with gang-affiliated Taz and will be able to live on the rest of his career reminding his broadcast partner how his gang is long gone and TNA is still whole.

Eric Young (sans his commissioner badge and his deputy) takes a few moments to shed unidentified tears (as in not even he knows why he is crying) while reminding us all how tradition demands us all to live in the moment, relish in it, and prepare to move on to better and different things.

This is when a partially hooded Bully Ray Dudley stampers onto the scene, alone and with no distinct colours or emblems about him anywhere. Dudley eyes every man in the room and, before leaving us all as tepidly as he entered, tries to regal them by saying as they look at this ceremony as an ending to the Aces & Eights, that he knows this is just the beginning to a new awakening.

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Match 4.

8 Man Elimination Tag Team Match.

Team Angle (Angle, Magnus, James Storm & Gunner)  -vs- Team Roode (Roode, Daniels, Kazarian, Sabin)

The captains are the ones who start this match by way of classic chain wrestling shown by both men, which inevitably lead to both members of Bad Influence to attempt a takeover of the Olympic champion but to no avail. This leads into Gunner and Storm legitimately double-teaming Daniels and Kazarian back into their own corner before leaving things between Kazarian and Storm. Thanks to quick and frequent tagging, Storm is soon found on the down side by Team Roode isolation in their corner which is finalized thanks to a thwarted “Last Call”-esqe super kick and a perfect pin by Sabin. Pseudo perfection continues for their side as ongoing shifty offenses performed by both Daniels and Kazarian brings about Gunner getting to be the next set of shoulders counted down for the three.

Leaving the only two left for heroes of his match up being the same two who are destined to face each other in one week, Angle and Magnus show it to be easy for them to focus on their shared opponents for now and thusly bring the fight straight to Daniels and Kazarian. But even though Magnus was able to properly hit Kazarian with a leaping clothesline to the outside, he did land most awkwardly on his knee at the end of it…awkwardly enough for TNA medics to examine him and deem him “unsuitable to continue”…leaving Angle to stand alone against four.

Thinking that the numbers game is their guarantee to a win, Daniels soon slides Kurt into the ring and begins the four on one assault. After almost each man has had their fair share of beating on Angle, Roode yells out to be let in legally so that he can finishing tonight’s business matters by his own hands. Unfortunately for Roode though when he does step into the ring seems to be just the spark Kurt needed in order to spark himself back to full-throttle life.

First Kurt triple-suplexes Roode right out of the ring.

Second Angle lands a trio of germans on Sabin, sending him away for the time being.

Thirdly and fourthly, an Olympic sized feat of strength and determination is shown as Angle first does what Roode and Sabin just got to Daniels and Kazarian individually before doing it to both Bad Influence members in unison.

We are not allowed to see items five and so forth thanks to Roode bringing a steel chair into the ring, a steel chair that Kurt sternly takes from him and shows no remorse in using it he who brought it in to begin with — alas though doing so makes the referee call for the bell to officially end the match entirely.

Winners: Team Roode via disqualification

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After everything is cleaned up in and around the ring, we are brought back to see “Chief of Staff” Rockstar Spud has brought TNA’s turkey dinner to the ring with him. Not wanting to be alone with all this great food and festivities provided to him thanks to the greatness that is Dixie Carter, Spud calls for all of the winners from tonight’s matches to join him in the ring, and join him in celebrating the greatness that is Dixie Carter’s spread (his exact wordage not mine…well, not all mine). Once all the winners are in the ring, TNA’s `IT Factor’ invites each of his fellow winners to mention what they are most thankful for.

Christopher Daniels gives thanks for his great genetics.

Kazarian is thankful for Joseph Park not being there & that Roode and Daniels are there.

Gail Kim gives thanks to Lel’D Tapa as well as for she-herself being the most dominant Knockout in TNA.

Chris Sabin is thankful for his firstly good looks, secondly his TNA X-Division Championship, and thirdly for Velvet Sky.

Jessie Godderz gives thanks for the Bro-Mans! (yup, that’s it from Jessie)

Robbie E. is thankful for the Bro-Mans being our TNA Tag Team Champions! (yes, you guessed it…that’s it from Robbie)

And Bobby Roode he prepares us for his list of things he is thankful for. Number one, for `the real Thanksgiving which was celebrated last month up in Canada” (now that was his own words exactly, no mad-libbing from me this time). Number two, for his own going superiority over Angle…

Roode is given no time to get to number three thanks to Kurt Angle marching out to ringside, by himself. Kurt voices how when he looks in the ring at this moment, all he sees is a bunch of turkeys who are not going to be able to enjoy their meal. Angle knows this because he is soon joined at ringside by all the other competitors we saw perform in one style or another tonight…Storm, Gunner, Dewey Barnes, Norv Fernum, even Eric Young and ODB. And together, the ring is eventually turned into a TNA endorsed and mayhem infused food fight — a fair fight meaning that those who started outside of the ring are parading within it proudly and unified while those who were once inside the ring find themselves outside licking their wounds and picking up whatever pride of theirs is left before the camera sheepishly pulls away from this unscheduled festive mood for at least seven days; more or less.