I thought I’d pontificate on wrestling tights … and no, it’s not a sexual thing! Initially I was going to write about the corporatization of society and how so many of us have become consuming idiots, but I have my priorities.
Where do I begin? First, I must differentiate tights from full costumes, makeup, accoutrements and robes. I’m talking trunks, various body suits (also known as long tights), baggy shorts and baggy pants. I don’t claim to be an expert on this, so if I neglect to mention tights that you, the reader, feel are important, I apologize. It takes a certain kind of idiot to isolate such an innocuous aspect of pro wrestling … and it turns out I’m that idiot.
I thought I would be able to write about women’s tights, but in researching, I found my laptop was constantly falling off my lap, if you catch my drift. Va-voom! Sorry ladies.
Alright, let’s start with trunks. Trunks are classic. They look like a Speedo, but with more material. Many great wrestlers choose tights and look good. Buddy Rogers, Hulk Hogan and Macho Man to name a few.
But, what I enjoy most, are the wrestlers, who, for reasons of obesity, wearing trunks was a aesthetically horrible choice.
The list is long, so I’ll only name a few: Dick Bulldog Brower, a mature Adrian Adonis and Dusty Rhodes immediately comes to mind. It seems to me that if you have a blubbery belly, you have two choices with trunks; have the waist band below your blubber, or pull the waist band up over the blubber. Thankfully, many choose the latter. It reminds me of old men, whose pants over the years creep up their bellies. The pulled-up waistband also makes their asses look especially enormous.
Even though Andre wasn’t fat, per say, and his ass was as proportionally huge as the rest of his body, his trunk choice seemed to accentuate his ass size.
I was disappointed when later in his career Andre decided to forgo the trunks, settling on the short one piece with the single shoulder strap. But, it was Andre, and he could have worn a miniskirt or hot pants and I still would have loved him.
(On a side note to do with trunks – I believe there is another panty-like garment worn under the trucks, a sort of jock strap as a defence against boners and testicular leakage.)
Of course, customizing the trunks is something worth noting. The first time I remember noticing this was with Mr. Wonderful, Paul Orndorf. Nowadays it’s quite common and helps to brand the wrestlers. In fact, in my foray into wrestling on “Kenny Vs Spenny,” I chose to have “The Nice Guy” emblazoned on my skinny ass For the record, the aforementioned trunks were worn OVER a long body suit. It was less a creative choice than an attempt to cover my unspeakably hairy legs. I considered shaving down, but shaving my legs seemed pathetic.
Okay, let’s move on from trunks and talk body suits. There are full body suits as well as body suits that look like women’s bathing suits from the 1950s. King Kong Bundy and Mad Dog Vachon, for me, deserve honourable mention. They both wore black partial, one pieces and I couldn’t imagine them wearing anything else. It starts to get difficult to explain why their choices were so perfect for them. Maybe they both wore other tights, but if they did, I don’t remember, or care to be made aware of it. That would be like seeing Lincoln with a Hitler moustache…no thank you.
The truth be told, these next two wrestlers were the main reason for me writing this nonsense. I’m assuming most of you have stopped reading by now, which is why I saved the best for last, as a reward. Of course, I’m talking about Yokozuna and Andy Kaufman. Their wardrobe choices are truly sublime, and it will take all my creative powers to describe them. Yokozuna, was a 580-pound behemoth from Polynesia. He was billed as a sumo wrestling champion, which played into his wardrobe choice. Sumo wrestlers wear a thong-ish, loin cloth, hilariously made fun of in an Austin Powers movie. Sumo wrestlers just wear the thong, but Yokozuna wore long tights underneath the sumo thong. The result was an amazingly funny looking. Yokozuna had a penchant for pushing his enormous ass into his opponents faces. My guess is that many of his opponents were thankful he wore the long tights as a protection against doody wiping hygienic issues. Not to say Yoko had wiping issues, but if we’re going to be honest, who among us can say that their wiping is 100% effective. I, for one, can’t. Just sayin’.
Now on to Andy. I’ve always wondered if his wardrobe inspiration came from The Mighty Igor, billed as the strongest man in the world, who loved Polish sausage, and was a crowd favourite.
Igor most memorably wore a white body suit, with a deeply plunging tank neckline, but with black trunks over the one piece. He was my inspiration for The Nice Guy. I had never seen anything quite like it until Andy Kaufman came up with a wrestling outfit that to this day takes the cake for worst outfit in wrestling history, in my humble opinion. Kaufman wore a white one piece with a crew neck line, that looked like long underwear, (you know, with the pooping hatch in the back) presumably to cover his lack of muscles and hairy chest. Over the one piece he made the astounding bad choice of wearing black baggy shorts similar to boxing shorts. The result was a look that completely complimented the other worldliness of the fact that Andy Kaufman was wrestling Jerry Lawler in Memphis, Tennessee. It was perfect.
I don’t expect this article to get published. I will have to tell my shrink that I wrote it. No point in therapy if you’re not honest. In any event, over the years, I’ve learned to go for it if it tickles my fancy, for good, or for ill, and this article could be terminally ill. I know I’ve only scratched the surface of wrestling tights, or maybe, just maybe, I’ve written what will become a definitive document on the subject. Nah.
Spencer “Spenny” Rice is one half of the comedic duo from Kenny vs. Spenny and the executive producer of the documentary series X-Rayted. Follow him on Facebook —https://www.facebook.com/pages/SPENCER-SPENNY-RICE/216355453412 — or on Twitter (@Spenny) and watch re-runs of KVS for years to come.