Dear Mr. McMahon,
Far be it for a jabroni like me to tell the king of a billion-dollar sports entertainment industry what to do with his product, but I’ve decided I will sleep better if I let my feelings be known. And I know I’m not alone with this inclination.
Vince, I think WWE needs monsters. Real monsters. I’m sorry, but size alone does not a monster make. Andre, Luke Harper, John Studd, Braun Strowman, Mark Henry, Big Show, Rusev, etc., are huge men, but they’re not monsters. They all speak, and hail from relatively “normal” places. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all, but monsters? I don’t think so.
Monsters must hail from parts unknown, or at least countries that are on a terrorism watch list. Monsters never speak … at least intelligibly. They NEVER obey the rules, and usually have a manager who not only speaks for them, but also does everything is his/her power to distract, assault and promote his monster clients.
Monsters also use foreign objects. I’m sorry, but tables, ladders and chairs are for interior decorators, not madmen from parts unknown. Look, I like TLC stuff, but I want forks, knives, pencils … anything that will cause excessive bleeding and can’t be found by the ref’s “thorough” frisking. Wink.
I know bleeding is verboten these days, but I would very much like to see blood back in pro wrestling. If cutting is too dangerous, I’ll be okay with fake blood. Taking the blood out of wrestling is like taking fighting out of hockey, or the hot chicks out of curling. It’s not right. Please, Mr. McMahon, give us our blood back.
As I’m sure you know, none of these ideas are original. They harp back to the territory days, and the glory days of ECW, to a certain extent. Why today are their no wrestlers like the Original Sheik, Abdullah the Butcher, George “The Animal” Steele and Kamala? What about managers like The Grand Wizard? Eddie Creatchman? Bobby Heenan? Slick? These guys were AWESOME!!!! Is it because of the kids? Solution: Create a WWE brand for bloodbath lovers like me. Come on Vince, you’ve got more shows on the air than Dick Wolf! Even if you take a loss, you can go to sleep at night knowing you serviced the darker spectrum of your loving audience. You can afford it, right? Let Shane run it, I don’t care. We’re bloodthirsty, and we want, dare I say, deserve, a place in the WWE Universe, too.
Vince, I’d like to put myself forward to play the monster factions manager, The Leader. I have wrestling experience, so don’t worry, I’ll inflame the crowd. Quick backstory: The Leader was a mortgage broker who made a fortune selling subprime mortgages, which resulted in millions of home foreclosures. He’s a grade A rat. He spent a fortune searching the world for monsters to manage so he could dominate the WWE. His face was horribly disfigured by one of his monster clients, so he is cloaked in an invisible man tensor bandage mask with dark glasses, a fedora, and of course, a very loud glittery jacket.
His stable consists of:
Ibida, a black behemoth from the jungles of the Uganda. He is rumoured have been raised by Joseph Kony, who kicked him out of his child army for being too violent. Ibida is a cannibal and loves to drink opponents’ blood.
Klauss Von Esser, a 450-pound, third generation Hitler clone. His inbreeding and genetic mutations have made him massively strong and extremely violent. He only obeys The Leader. His signature move is The Goose Stomp.
Murray the Mutilator, a 300-pound feral Israeli, who was abandoned by his parents in an illegal settlement on the West Bank, and was raised by a pack of wild boars.
Vince, these guys will make the Wyatt Family look like the Jonas Brothers. And remember Vince, this will be a boutique, 18+ show, so political correctness is not something we need to be concerned with. It will be filled with outdated politically incorrect stereotypes galore. If Justin Trudeau doesn’t start a human rights tribunal over the content of this show, we’ve missed the boat completely. Let’s call it WWE Mayhem.
Are you in?
Spenny (a.k.a. The Leader)