Improving professional wrestling

Amazingly, nobody in a position of executive authority at World Wrestling Entertainment has contacted me about my thoughts on improving its product.  I understand the saying, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” but what about improving it?  Things can always be improved … even professional wrestling.
As a lifelong wrestling fan, my suggestions are practical and need to be executed immediately.  Without them, I worry that wrestling won’t be taken as seriously as it should. It’s high time that professional wrestling stands shoulder-to-shoulder beside professional sports like football, baseball, basketball and beauty pageants.
I think Vince Mcmahon knows I’d take his call.  It took Al Gore a while before he gave me a dingle on his Internet project, and as a result , we now have free porn, which was my idea, by the way.   Do I feel slighted?  Sure, but I never let another man’s petty insecurity get in the way progress.
So, until Vince has the common sense to get my opinion, here are some of my common sense recommendations.
I understand that the WWF had to become WWE because of the annoying, panda-loving World Wildlife Fund, but calling the current product World Wrestling Entertainment sends the wrong message.  All sports are entertaining.  Putting the word “entertainment” front and centre makes one think that entertainment is the priority, not athletic excellence.  Solution:  World Wrestling Excellence.  That way, WWE can be kept, without having to re-do the general branding and corporate stationary.
Cheating is, and has been, a major problem in professional wrestling for decades.  This issue can be easily addressed by implementing the following:
  • All managers, valets, factions and other indirect non-participating wrestlers should be banned from the ring during matches.  Referee distractions, passing foreign objects and beat-downs by non-competing wrestlers are a major problem that must stop.
  • Video replays are used in hockey and football, why not pro wrestling?  Each pin needs to be looked at objectively, so that situations like using the ropes for pin leverage can be stopped once and for all.
  • Two referees per singles match should be instituted, as well as four for tag-team matches.  Wrestling referees have a difficult job.  Let’s make it easier for them to officiate.
  • Each wrestler should have a sensor on each shoulder blade, so that the three-count can be more accurately measured.  The inconsistencies and unfairness of the subjective, referee count needs to become a thing of the past.  Humans are fallible.  Wrestling shouldn’t be.
  • Guest referees should be outlawed.  Wrestling doesn’t need the bad optics of perceived favouritism and untrained officiating.
One needs a super-computer to keep track of all the championship belts.  There are too many, and it devalues the belts.  What’s next, North East Sub-Continental Championship? Let’s keep it simple.
  • The Intercontinental and United States Championships should be collapsed into ONE World Championship.   Like with the Tag Team Championship, there should only be ONE belt.
  • Championships should be able to be won or lost on a disqualification.  This simple innovation is long overdue.  Playing outside the rules should not be rewarded.
Wrestlers are a crucial aspect of wrestling.  Over the years moves have been made by wrestling executives to make them more professional and safe.  Drug testing and regular medical testing are good steps, but more could be done. Here are some recommendations:
  • Gimmicks should be banned.  All this personality stuff takes away from what we really want, wrestling.
  • Wrestlers should not be allowed to appear on television, or print, unless they’re actually wrestling.  All these interviews and promotional activity are an unneeded distraction. The WWE can seem like some sort of, dare I say, circus.
  • All male wresters must wear either red or blue tights.  Wrestlers like Stardust and Goldust need to look like pro wrestlers, not Vegas show girls.
  • Make-up, masks and any other affectations should not be tolerated in and around the squared-circle.   If you’re too ashamed to show your face, maybe you should consider another line of work.
  • Divas will be allowed a modicum of make-up, but their wrestling gear must be of equal coverage and respectable — wrestling does not need a Nipple-gate.   If you want sexy, watch porn.  It’s free, you know.  You’re welcome.
  • Wrestlers, like in boxing, should be divided into weight classes.  Unfair matches like Rusev vs. Sin Cara should never happen.
  • All theme music will be banned.  Rumours of hypnotic suggestions, real or imagined, makes for potential inequity, and cheapens the product.
  • Wrestlers must no longer visit hospitals for charity appearances.  The risk of spreading germs among the wrestlers is too great with all the sweating and spitting that goes on.  Maybe they can send a video, or possibly wear hazmat suits.
  • All diva breast implants must be removed due to the risk of bursting from chest chops.  Also, implants can be perceived as a protective shield, similar to Roman Reigns’ bullet proof vest.  We must even the playing field to avoid the appearance of undue advantages.  Only natural breasts should be permitted.
  • Wrestlers will no longer be compensated, or at the very least, compensated at the same rate in the interest of fairness.  Wrestling doesn’t need to encourage dive-taking like we’ve seen in boxing.
  • Wrestlers hailing from “parts unknown” should not allowed to wrestle.  I imagine this creates accounting difficulties when deducting taxes at the source.
  • All wrestlers exhibiting signs of psychotic tendencies must take a leave of absence  and undergo rigorous therapy before having the chance to return to action.  Had this been instituted earlier, wresters like George “The Animal” Steele could have received the psychological help he so desperately needed…not to mention the financial loss of the countless turnbuckles he ate.
  • Any wrester over 300 pounds will be suspended until they get their weight down to a reasonable level.  This will prevent the embarrassment of the ring collapsing due to overweight wrestlers like Big Show.  I bet that was one night when Mr. Mcmahon was ashamed to  say, “This is MY ring!”
  • The National Anthem, or anthems, of the grappler’s nationality should be played before EVERY match. Patriotism is important.
  • Lumberjack matches, Battle Royals, Cage matches, Street fights, Texas Death matches, chain matches TLC matches, and all other such gimmicky matches, should not be sanctioned.  These matches are not in keeping with the integrity needed in professional wrestling. There’s a reason you don’t see cage rounds in the PGA.
The Ring
  • The stairs to the ring need to be screwed down. Stairs are used for ascending, not assault.
  • The entrance ramp is both a safety risk for the wrestlers. Wrestlers should carefully walk to the ring on solid ground.
  • The area underneath the squared-circle needs to be carefully guarded and cleared of all folding tables, folding chairs, kendo sticks and demons.
  • The steel posts should be padded to protect the wrestler’s head and shoulders — perhaps paid for by Head & Shoulders shampoo?  Just an idea.
Television, House Shows and WrestleMania
  • WrestleMania will be the ONLY pay-per-view event, held once every decade.  Too many WrestleManias dilutes the enormity of such a grand event.
  • All house shows need to be eliminated for two reasons.  First the risk of injury is increased.  Second, the constant working of the wrestlers all over the world in non-televised events gives the horrendous impression that profit might be more important than the sanctity of wrestling.
  • Non-wrestling celebrities will longer be allowed to participate in WrestleMania due to safety concerns and liability issues.  (Exceptions might be made for Mr. T, David Arquette, Jon Stwart, and Beetejuice.)
  • Raw and Smackdown will be combined into an hour-long monthly program called  Rawdown, or Smackraw.
  • The WWE Network will only show highlights of that month’s Rawdown/Smackraw. All other historical and original programming should be cancelled.  The old stuff is irrelevant, and the original shows are amateurish. These are professional athletes, not professional actors. I wouldn’t want to see Bradley Cooper wrestle.
  • Anyone under the age of 21 years of age will not be allowed to attend wrestling live, or watch it on TV, if possible.  Immature minds might think that violence is a viable way to solve problems.  We all know that only soldiers, cops, bouncers and women with PMS are allowed to solve problems with violence.  Besides, kids are susceptible to wanting merchandise, something which we shouldn’t saddle parents with during these difficult economic times.
  • Merchandise should not be banned from live events, and unavailable online. It cheapens wrestling’s majesty. (Preferably, in my view, audiences should be banned from all live and televised events.  They make a lot of noise and the “What?” thing really gets on my nerves.)
– The English and Spanish announce tables need to be made of soft foam so the wrestlers won’t get hurt if they are thrown into it.  Wrestling belongs in the ring. Perhaps a deal with Nerf ?
  • Announcers should be completely neutral.  Only an objective play-by-play announcer and a colour commentator should be allowed to call matches.  Biased announcers like JBL and Jerry “The King” Lawler should be eliminated.  I’m sick of how they rationalize cheating and bad behaviour. Perhaps they could use their talents to become defence attorneys.
The Executives
The era of patronage and nepotism must end at the WWE.  That might not be best for business, but wrestling is not a business, it’s a national pastime for nerds and wannabe hipsters.  Let’s leave the shady deals where they belong…on the Indie circuit and politics.
The McMahons need to be stripped of their power.  They, of course, can own the WWE, just not run it.  Has anyone ever heard of conflict of interest
The Authority, like all authority, is biased and corrupt.  Matches should be made by a computer program, that based on weight-class, and statistical records, gives deserving wrestlers a shot at the Championship, regardless of what might be trending on social media.
That’s just a small taste of the changes that need to be made in order to improve professional wrestling.  One would think that the people currently running things don’t care that many see wrestling as purely entertainment, and even worse, fake.
Spencer (Spenny Rice) is one half of the comedic duo Kenny Vs. Spenny and a lifelong pro wrestling fan.