Let me state out the outset, that though I’ve been a lifelong wrestling fan, I don’t rise to the level of a true wrestling nerd. You know, the kind of person who shells out $150 for a replica belt, and talks about the angles like they should be talking about their families, and careers, if either exist. I believe in setting expectations at the start.
Okay, now let’s talk Adam Rose. I saw him Sunday night at a house show in Kingston. As with all house shows, the Exotic Express was a scaled-down version; but thankfully the bunny was there. When I first saw Adam and the gang on Raw, I think, I was smiling from ear to ear. I like all kinds of wrestling, but must admit I’m partial to the funnier angles. Whether it was Beauty and the Beast (George and Elizabeth), Ventura’s comment that Canada’s Greatest athlete, Iron Mike Sharpe, might be as great as Wayne Gretzky, or seeing Adrian Adonis spanked bare bottom at a live show, the funny has always captured my heart.
Once the initial glee of my first look at Rose’s entrance wore off, I became very interested in what the fuck was going on? Who were those people dancing around him, and what was with the lollipop? Then I remembered an evening I had in South Beach Florida, with Kenny’s cousin, Bobby Hotz. I remember going to a club where people danced and sucked lollipops. Some were even wearing crazy costumes. Perhaps younger wrestling fans instantly knew what was going on, but I’m an old Jew, who likes drinking in pubs, and that one night in South Beach was clubbing enough for a lifetime. For legal reasons I can’t go into my consumption that night, but I can say I didn’t sleep, grinded my teeth vigorously and had an impossible time masturbating. Nonetheless, I had a feeling of ecstasy. Nuff said.
So, this, I realized, was what the Rose persona was all about; the party club culture. It’s a fresh angle. I imagine it’s a challenge for the WWE staff to write abound the obvious issue that the Rosebuds must be high on more than life and energy drinks … at least fictitiously. Maybe mentioning drugs is verboten, what with the sordid history of pro wrestling and drugs. I get it, but as someone who would love to write for the WWE, I would have to pitch some edgy angles for Adam and Exotic Express. I know that one of the Rosebuds had been abducted in an angle, then saved by Adam after he won his match. That’s a neat story, but it’s not capitalizing on the realities of the party culture embodied by Adam and his Bacchanal Rosebuds. So here are some unsolicited suggestions:
• The Bunny has overindulged in some unknown substance that bares an unmistakeable resemblance to ecstasy. (Better keep the day “job” if I have to explain this to Vince?) Anyhow, the bunny is overwhelmed by the need to hug everyone, and hugs Adam, accidentally costing him a match. This leads to an in-ring intervention. I’m thinking an ABC After School Special moment is appropriate here.
• Adam is internally challenged by a Rosebud, who dances better than him, and he loses control of the Exotic Express, who would rather follow the new hipster. I smell a grudge match. (Triple H, I promise this will be good for business.)
• Adam realizes that his lifestyle is superficial, and he tries to separate himself from the party animal Exotic Express. He transforms his persona to a spiritual, bookish intellectual. This, of course, leads to a handicap match, Adam Rose Vs. The Exotic Express, during which, the bunny is unmasked and it turns out to be Shane McMahon, who has been partying his ass off. Needless to say Papa Vince is not pleased.
I hope the writers do something interesting with this fun gimmick. I have lots of ideas … but the rest are going to cost money.
Spencer “Spenny” Rice is one half of the comedic duo from Kenny vs. Spenny and the executive producer of the documentary series X-Rayted. Follow him on Facebook —https://www.facebook.com/pages/SPENCER-SPENNY-RICE/216355453412 — or on Twitter (@Spenny) and watch re-runs of KVS for years to come.